So, I felt like I need to write one of these posts. I got a bit tired of talking to myself in my head and instead had the urge to let out my thoughts into something physical. After all, writing helps you to work over a lot of things and process them. I hope this will help me get a clearer view on where I’m going and where I want to go and make me act on things I want to accomplish. If you haven’t already lost interest from the title and the intro, you are welcome to keep reading. ♥
Lately I felt like I am riding on a Quarter-Life-Crisis Rollercoaster. I know, funny word. But can’t we all relate a bit? Many must have gone through something similar. I mean, you go to school, most graduate from High School, many will go on to keep studying at universities, and so on. At some point, you gotta be thinking, “What exactly am I doing?”. And if you know what you’re doing (or think that you do), you may doubt your decisions, “Is this really what I should do now?”.
High School Years
I graduated from High School with two extra years because I repeated a year twice (thanks to my main weakness: Maths). Even back then I was thinking whether I should really finish High School. Dropping out of school is always portrayed as something very negative, let’s face it. I was idealistic enough (and still am) to think that I could still make it in life. I thought it was stupid that my success would depend on a piece of paper.
I wanted to convince people that you could make it to anything in life if you just put enough effort in it.
Looking back I am happy for everything I learned in high school. However I still think that it’s stupid that just because Algebra knocked my head in one too many times, I almost failed high school completely. I even had to repeat the graduating exam in maths. You may say I could’ve put more of an effort into actually practicing maths and you may be a liiittle bit right. But you may not understand how much of a struggle it was for me to sit down and try to get the logics behind the numbers and letters into my head.
After High School
But enough of school and maths, you got the point there I think. After I graduated from high school, I had enough of that for while and decided I need a break and want to earn some money. Working in Sales, man. Sales. What a great decision (<- that’s sarcasm right there, just to clarify). So after I quit that, I moved to Amsterdam because I loved how I felt there when I visited like 5 times. That was a very big step. But I needed a change in scenery and I craved a new chapter in life. After working smaller jobs, I managed to get a job as a receptionist. Without any education in it. Now that I called success. Thank God. I felt like rubbing it under my principal’s nose that I brought it to something without studying tourism or stuff like that.
So that was cool and all. That’s a bit over two years ago now. Time flies. And now I’m at a point where I’m pointing fingers at myself for not having accomplished more in two years, even though I planned to. Plans don’t always go the way you want them to. I wanted to make this blog big. After feeling like high school sucked the creativity out of me, I wanted to throw myself into everything creative and develop myself in that area. But I didn’t. Not really at least. Not how much I wanted. I am starting to build my photography skills again (I took classes for 2 years in school), but I feel like that’s about it. And that makes me disappointed.
Failing Once More
I feel like I failed these two years (soon three) that I live in The Netherlands. I feel like I wasted creative time. Creating is one of the things I love to do. Drawing, writing, photography, creative expression of many kinds – all things I am passionate about. I want to share my God-given creativity. Not rubbing it in your face, don’t worry. But I have to let it out. I feel like all the creative thoughts I collected over these two years or, my gosh, actually more, have grown into a little garden in me. A cute little backyard full of colors and different shapes. Beautiful flowers of different kinds that I neglected and didn’t tend to. And they’re wilting.
All because it’s easier to lean back and let life happen than make life happen yourself.
Looking back, I think that this is my first notorious realization (that older people have talked about) that my time in school was actually a cool time. A time you look back on that won’t seem as horrible as it was back then, as they say. And indeed, I even wish I could spend some more time there. But not to learn maths, it’s still one of the things I cannot harmonize with. I mentioned how I felt that high school sucked the creativity out of me. But I actually realize now that it fueled the creativity in me. I used to draw my feelings and thoughts about things onto paper. Under how much pressure maths, chemistry and physics brought me. Plus, school gave me a creative outlet.
Arts class was my sunshine on cloudy days. It was the warm embrace after trying to solve what number x would be this time.
A Time for Change
I aim to change things. And I’ve decided that a few good times already. Picking motivation like apples from a tree isn’t really my strong suit. But maybe the fact in my head that I could do so much more and be so much further in my life already at the age of 24 will bother me enough to act. To be honest, it really bothers me. It annoys me how I can’t just get myself to move and go start great things. I don’t want to be famous or have people look up to me. What I’m missing though, I think, is recognition. I don’t need praise from a crowd of people, but I do want to be seen as someone who does something. Not just sit 8 hours a day, 5 times a week somewhere and then spends her off time doing nothing special.
Because being busy with something you are passionate about and love to do really makes a difference. Because I have a lot of things that I am passionate about that I could implement into my life and even make money with it.
The aim is there. Now it’s only me missing.